Wow...too long between posts. Been crazy busy, here's the skinny:

Knox's Baptism was last Sunday. It was awesome. Mr. Knox is the most adorable thing, especially when he smiles. It's like everything that is evil and ugly dries up and dies inside of you when he smiles. All you can feel is goodness all over. It is amazing.

What else has been happening? Chemo last week. Getting through it, but my body is taking a beating. I most definately have anticipitory nausea, but there really isn't a cure for that. I tend to throw up even before they give me the chemo drugs. If I think about it enough, I could probably make myself sick right now. Just talking with Dr. Lavery's nurses about the nausea medications made me queezy. It's really just the struggle in my head. I need to learn how to control it.

Enough about that, my stomach is turning.

Coop and I have been spending a ton of time together. I was watching Talladega Nights, and I've now got Coop hitting my fist saying, "Shake and Bake." Hillarious.

My favorite time comes right after the struggle to get on the pajamas. We turn on the stars in his room, and the music, and I get to look down on the sweetest little boy.

Uh-oh...I hear Mr. Knox crying. Being a Dad never stops...

Smile, today could be your last.

Tuesday I went to work for a while, it snowed like crazy and everyone got sent home early. Wednesday, Cooper and Wendy and I met TJ, Chrissy, Maggie and Addison at the Cleveland Children's Museum. Cooper really enjoyed it. It was really great to see my friend. He and Chrissy recently got engaged...I couldn't be happier for them. I've been through a lot of shit with TJ, and I'm proud to have a friend like him. He's undoubtedly got my back and he knows that I've got his.

Afterward, we went to Primo Vino in Little Italy. We had been there several years ago when Bubba was in the hospital. A lot of memories came rushing back when I was sitting in that restaurant. Thursday, I started tiling the bathroom, and Virginia let Cooper play with Tomstang's shaving cream. Cute and messy all at the same time.
Had a great time tonight with Coop. Took him to the Kent Roosevelt basketball game vs. Field. Got to hang out with Kristen and Kevin and Ky and Kade. It has been a fun week hanging out with my boys. And for the most part...I even felt pretty good this week.
I still spend a lot of my time thinking about how to live and what to choose to do with the time that I do have. Knowing that my time is most likely limited, I can't help but have these thoughts. And while these thoughts are intense, and seem to require action, it's still hard to come up with much. I am glad that we are doing the small things (Cleveland Zoo, Children's Museum, etc.) but wish that there was even more that I could do. Again, I don't know what that is. You just have to try to enjoy every day that you get, and every person that loves you back.

Mr. Knox found his thumb. He is a chunker...and a very good baby. Unbelievably cute.

Hard to believe that this week has flown by and I have to start chemo again on Tuesday. I still have to shake my head in dis-belief that this is even real. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and my feet hit the carpet, there is a split second before I am fully awake that I don't have this disease and I feel like I am going to live to be an old man. But by the time I hit the tile, reality has set in, I am awake, and disappointed.

When I sit in the hospital, I see signs advertising for cancer patients to talk with a psychologist for depression. I can understand why. When I was first told 4 years ago that I was a coin flip to survive, it certainly changed me forever. And now, that my odds are even less...it is molding me still. I am amazed that I am not more depressed than I am. Perhaps I don't have time to be depressed. Wendy is always keeping me busy with something (been tiling the bathroom back-splash), Coop and Mr. Knox always demand attention, the restaurant always has something that needs done, the rentals require my attention (there's a problem with the electricity at Miller), the snow has been out of control lately (snow needs removed from three rentals, and a restaurant), and the teaching thing has to be a priority of mine. I have too much going on to be depressed...I think that's my saving grace really.

Lesson for Coop and Mr. Knox: Keep your mind occupied...it keeps you young. Keep your body occupied...it too keeps you young. I love you boys.

Smile, today could be your last.

Boy does cancer suck. It tries to suck the life out of you. So, you have a recurrance with cancer and you say to yourself, "I'm really going to live now." That's a great thought, and I'm doing my best to, except that all of the problems that you had before are now multiplied. My insides are screwed up, I am finally feeling a little bit better after a week of throwing up, and today, when I came in from stacking some wood my hair was falling out in clumps. It kind of reminded me of the movie The Fly when Jeff Goldblum is watching his body change. I'm guessing I have maybe two more treatments before I have to shave my head completely. I did that once in 10th grade...never liked it much. But it's only hair and that is really the least of my problems...

Today was a good day overall. Tomstang and I unburried the cars from the massive snowstorm that moved in over the weekend. Then we went over to Kristen and Kevin's for the Superbowl. It was great to hang out with everyone, and it felt good to eat. Funny how when you are going through chemotherapy, you want to eat so badly, but just can't. Anyway, it was good to see the Saint's win one...Browns are next (stop laughing-it could happen).

Wendy and Tom and I came back, put the kids to bed and watched some TV. Some show about how a CEO of Waste Management went undercover and worked with some of the "little ones" in the company so that he could get a feel for what they did, and how to make the company more efficient. Pretty interesting. The end of the recording got cut off, but Wendy told me that the lady that had cancer and was doing the job of 4 people, was given a raise 3X her salary. She had invited the new-comer (CEO) to dinner at her house with her family. She was a hard worker, honest, real...

Lesson for Coop and Knox: You never know who you are talking to in the world. Treat everyone with dignity and respect.

Smile, today could be your last.

Back in the chair of death today. Feels like I was just here. Hard to believe 2 weeks(well 11 days)have gone by. Didn't get to see the stinky Dr. today, but we did meet some little Oriental lady doing her residency with Dr. Kim. Anyway, they drew some blood, and the Dr.'s told us that my counts were borderline. Bogus. One treatment in, and my counts are already low. They are worried that I will get a fever because the white counts are so far down. Dr. Kim is also worried that I will start coughing up blood. Either scenario is not good (obviously), and they said that I have to go to the ER immediately if these things happen.

Glad I didn't see the stinky Dr. today. I don't need any help with nausea.

Sunday, I painted the closet area upstairs. Wendy has wanted this done for some time. Hopefully, once we get the bathroom tiled, she'll be comfortable there for a long time. We both took showers in the early evening, and watched "The Hangover". Good stuff. We laughed.

Mr. Knox woke me up about 5:00 on Monday and took a little over an hour to go back to sleep. Monday night, my Dad, Wendy, and DB and I went to the Kent State basketball game. It was a blow-out.

Back at basecamp, my parents and I watched "The Hangover". I sat through it again, and it was just as funny the second time. Wendy said she was going shopping, although I really knew that she was going over to Rosie's to clean. My parents were thrilled. Wendy is so sweet and thoughtful. She makes me proud to be her husband.

I guess that takes me to today. I need these treatments to go quickly. They gave me my pre-meds already, and have added a couple of prescription nausea meds...so hopefully this won't be as bad as last time. Last treatment I was sick for three days...I never threw up so much. If I knew treatment was working, I think I would have an easier time dealing. But, going through all of this for a slight maybe really sucks. Perhaps one day we will allow for things like genetic research that would mean all the difference in patients that have an error in DNA coding.

Oh well. It was a good weekend. Coop and Knox keep me busy, and that is what I need most right now...their love.

Smile, today could be your last.

How cute is Mr. Knox. These are great photos. You are so strong and alert. I know that you are going to be tough as nails. You can't let adversity stop you...ever.

I got the orangatang for you the day after we went to the zoo. I saw him, and had to have it. Especially after how close we got to him. It was almost like he understood our families pain. So, when you look at the orangatang, remember to be forgiving and understanding towards people...life is too short to hold grudges.

Smile, today could be your last.